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Sarah Mihovk
Funeral Director
Sarah is a fifth generation death care worker. She grew up in funeral homes and getting used to the idea of death. During my talk with her we discussed death care and how it is changing with new social distancing practices, as well as the emotional support that she offers to clients.
I'm going to go ahead and start recording. You can just start this off by telling us your name and the reason you were asked to be part of this project.
My name is Sarah Mihovk. I am a licensed funeral director and embalmer in the state of Ohio. I have been asked to be a part of this project talking about community engagement and my profession.
Yeah. So tell us what your profession is.
I work with the public, planning funeral services or even preparing bodies for funeral services, things like that.
Has that changed at all with the times of COVID-19?
Yes, drastically. We used to be able to work freely as far as having gatherings or visitations, funeral services, things like that. We could invite the public to be a part of that and sympathize and comfort those who are bereaved. Whereas now things have changed, even down to the line of how we're meeting with families.
I'M ONLY ABLE TO MEET WITH TWO PEOPLE AT A TIME TO MAKE FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS OR EVEN WHEN WE'RE TALKING ABOUT SERVICES. AS OF RIGHT NOW WITH THE CDC GUIDELINES, WE ARE ONLY ALLOWED TO HAVE GATHERINGS OF ABOUT 10 PEOPLE OR LESS. SO IT'S REALLY CUT DOWN ON THE AMOUNT OF SUPPORT AND OPENNESS WITH THE PUBLIC ABOUT THE PASSING THAT WE'RE ABLE TO OFFER. I THINK IT'S DEFINITELY CHANGED THE WAY PEOPLE ARE NOT ONLY HAVING SERVICES AND ALSO GRIEVING THE LOSS OF THEIR LOVED ONE.
So before all this happened, let's say in the world before this pandemic hit us, what did your effect on your community look like?
Mostly as far as a funeral home goes, we tend to create a safe space for people to not only openly grieve the loss of a loved one, but to accept sympathy from others who might attend visitations or things like that. So it really brought people together physically to work through that, begin their grief journey, things like that. But now, with the limits on who can be where and how many people can be there, things have kind of taken a turn where it's almost like support or grieving at a distance.
What does grieving at a distance look like? Have you guys implemented any live streaming for your services?
Yep. We've done a couple of different things. Most recently I did work with a family who had a loved one pass away out of state actually. There were still family members here in Ohio who typically would've come to the funeral home for service or visitation to spend time with their loved one, just spend time with their body there. But instead what we ended up doing was a Zoom meeting, much like we're doing now.
WE HELD ABOUT AN HOUR LONG VISITATION WHERE WE SHARED THE LINK ON THE WEBSITE OBITUARY WHERE PEOPLE COULD ATTEND AND STILL INTERACT WITH EACH OTHER. ALTHOUGH THEY WEREN'T IN THE SAME SPACE I THINK IT WORKED WELL. BUT WHAT'S UNFORTUNATE IS THERE'S REALLY SOMETHING TO BE SAID FOR BEING PHYSICALLY IN THE SAME ROOM AS SOMEBODY, BEING ABLE TO JUST REACH OUT AND TOUCH SOMEBODY. YOU DON'T ALWAYS HAVE THE WORDS. SOMETIMES THERE AREN'T ANY WORDS. JUST PHYSICALLY BEING THERE MEANS A LOT TO PEOPLE AND BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO REALLY WORK WITH THAT. I THINK IT'S REALLY CHANGED THE WAY PEOPLE ARE GOING ABOUT GRIEVING.
But also even beyond just Zoom meetings, we've done some services where we've had only 10 people in the building, but we've recorded services and we've uploaded them to our website so that people could view them privately from their home. But once again they're not really participating. They're just watching the playback. It's really different from being in the moment to just seeing something happen. It kind of makes that finality different because you're not experiencing it with your own eyes or your senses.
I would love to hear more about that. What is the importance or the significance of being there in the room with your deceased loved one and being able to have that experience?
Well, I think first and foremost it helps with understanding the finality. As humans, we're kind of skeptics in a way. We can hear about something and we might not necessarily process or believe it until we see it. So being present with the body gives you that final moment of closure. It's not the last moment of closure because the grief process takes a while to get through. Everyone is different. But at least for that moment, you can say that you were there, you were able to see your loved one, and you know that they're no longer living. You can kind of move forward with that process, whereas when you're just experiencing it over a phone or an iPad- sure, it's real, but you're not experiencing it firsthand. You're not experiencing any sort of support like you would from others who might be gathered there in first person. So it's just kind of strange.
Definitely. And since now you have a restriction on the number of people that can be in a room, do you know how that decision gets made? How do they pick the 10 or however many people are allowed in?
Honestly I don't know. And that's probably one of the things that I struggle with as a funeral director. Because I'm not being forced to make those decisions, but I can only imagine how that would feel or a family actually going through this process. A lot of times they're keeping it to the immediate family. But especially in Cincinnati- I work on both the West and East side of town- there's a lot of us who have very large families or very different families where there's blending and joints and things like that. How do you decide who gets to come see mom or dad or whoever it was? I don't know how they're making those decisions. Honestly, I struggle with that. I know that it's hard because how do you decide who gets to be there? I don't know. I really don't.
I'm sure that's an incredibly difficult decision to make. Can I ask you how you got into this line of business in the first place?
Sure. I'm a fifth generation, which means I come from a long line of directors and embalmers. Growing up it was something that I always avoided. Both of my parents are funeral directors to this day. I still work with them regularly. Ultimately first and foremost as funeral directors, we're public servants and we're always there to serve our community. When I was younger there were a few things that families miss out on because you're busy serving another family who has lost somebody. I never really wanted to put my own family through that. I kind of wanted to have a normal nine to five job where I could come home and be with my family and work was work and home was home. I actually went to school and I have a bachelor's of science from Xavier, where I studied psychology.
WHEN I GRADUATED I THOUGHT MAYBE I WOULD GO ON TO STUDY A LITTLE BIT FURTHER SOMETHING IN THE PSYCHOLOGY FIELD. BUT AS I WAS MAKING THAT DECISION, I WAS PRESENTED THE QUESTION BY A FRIEND AND COLLEAGUE OF MY DAD'S. HE SAID, 'WELL, WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT TO DO?' AND I SAID, 'WELL, I JUST WANT TO HELP PEOPLE. THAT'S ULTIMATELY WHAT I WANT TO DO, HOWEVER IT IS. I WANT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN SOMEBODY'S LIFE'. AND HE SAID, 'WHAT DO YOU THINK FUNERAL SERVICE IS?'
So I had this huge brain explosion. I realized that's exactly what funeral service is. So I went back to school and I went to Cincinnati College of Mortuary Science. I got my degree there and then was licensed the following year. I have been licensed since 2015. I will say that I enjoy very much what I do and I love my job and I never thought that this would be it for me. But been very satisfying to know that I can help people through that time.
Do you think you would ever want to do something else?
You know, every once in a while the thought pops in my mind. I don't know that I would want to do something else. It's almost like maybe I would want to do something in addition to it. Because they really do enjoy my work. I love my work. I see firsthand, helping people through this process, how important that is. But sometimes I feel like could I do more. You know what I mean?
Yeah, definitely. That makes sense. You said that you wanted to pursue a nine to five job when you were figuring out what you wanted to do. But since you are the director of this funeral home, are you pretty much just on call 24/7?
Well, yes and no. As far as on-call scheduling works, ultimately we are available 24 hours a day. Somebody answers the phone at the funeral home 24 hours a day. It might not be us in the office. We do have an answering service, but they are connected to our cell phones and they'll get ahold of us promptly. But as far as our directors, we have several different directors and embalmers in our company. We all kind of take turns, but we try to have every third weekend off of the month. Once a month you have a weekend off. It can be a struggle- always being available. But with the kind of business that we are in, people always have questions. We want to be able to answer those as promptly as possible.
I imagine you're one of the first calls for a lot of people when they lose their loved ones. So what is that experience like when you do have to be that first line of a huge change in someone's life?
It kinda depends. When a death first occurs, sometimes it is the family that's calling. Other times it is someone from a medical facility or a nursing facility. A lot of times a hospice. It just depends who is making that first call. If it is somebody that's in the medical field that's calling us, we take down the information and then call the family. Sometimes it's almost like that first call can be kind of clinical. You're just gathering some information and of course you're extending your condolences and wanting to let them know that you care. But there's certain information that you do need to gather in order to facilitate bringing their loved one into our care. Once we finally meet face to face it's more of an in depth 'let me get to know you' sort of thing. At first it's more just information gathering. Sometimes, if someone's been expecting the passing of a loved one, they're pretty non-emotional. They understand this is the first step in the process. But then once you meet with them in person, that's where all the emotions come into play.
How much emotional service do you typically offer a family personally? I've worked service jobs, we all know what it's like to interact with someone who's paying you money. But I think that there's this additional managing of a client that must have to occur with you.
Sure. Obviously, we are business. We are a small business. There's roughly nine or 10 employees total. But at the end of the day, bills have to be made and things like that. When you're working with a family, you're trying to ask the right questions in understanding who this person is who has died and how can we memorialize them in a way that's appropriate to them and their family. I think there's a lot of emotion in that. It takes a lot of delicate ways of framing things.
I'M TYPICALLY A REALLY SENSITIVE PERSON. MAYBE TO A FAULT. I'M THE PERSON IN THE BACK WHO CRIES AT STRANGERS' FUNERALS. I JUST THINK YOU GET KIND OF INVESTED IN THE FAMILIES THAT YOU SERVE.
That's why you continue to serve families. If you look at funeral service, when you're watching TV or you're listening to the radio, you're not really seeing ads or commercials for funeral homes. Because in a lot of ways it's a word of mouth thing. You're making these connections with families and you're listening to who they are. Sometime in the future, should you serve them again, you can look back and say, 'Oh, I remember this' and 'how is so and so?' Things like that. You're making these personal relationships. You get pretty involved in people's lives. Grief does strange things to people and you never really know what you're going to get. But a lot of times they probably tell you a lot more than they would just tell any stranger on the street. You kinda get invested in their lives in that way.
Yeah, that makes sense. I dunno if you've had to deal with any victims of the pandemic, but do you find that in this serious time in our lives, people are more on the expectant and less emotional side?
We have not necessarily had any confirmed COVID-19 deaths yet. There has been a few suspected cases. I don't know that we're quite there yet to seeing that path. Although, it's hard to say. Especially because we're still taking people who have passed in nursing homes and group living spaces. So you never really know. A lot of times we're still hearing from hospices and things like that. I don't know that we've necessarily hit that point yet where we are serving mainly COVID-19 patients.
Got you. I was kind of surprised to hear you say how connected you can get to some of these and that you're back there crying at a stranger's funeral. How do you make that work with your job?
I don't know. It's kind of strange. It's weird. I mean, I'll be honest with you, I am a very sensitive person. My husband will make fun of me. I have cried at a Whirlpool commercial. I don't know. I'm just very sensitive and I think that kind of ties into why I chose psychology as my major going into college. Because I've just always felt very in tune with people. Not to say I'm the only one who experiences this. It's emotional when you're listening to a funeral service and you've worked with this family up until this point. Because when you think about it, a funeral director wears a lot of hats. We can kind of become event planners. We're planning this huge event in a matter of three to four days time. You only get one chance at a funeral. So we're very detail oriented and making sure everything is going right. We're listening to the family as they're wanting things to proceed. You kind of get to know them. Then people start eulogizing and just telling stories about this life.
FUNERALS ARE FOR THE LIVING. THEY'RE NOT NECESSARILY FOR THE DEAD AS MAYBE THEY ONCE WERE. THERE'S STILL A LOT OF CULTURAL AND RELIGIOUS BACKGROUNDS WHERE WE'RE PRAYING FOR THE DEAD THAT THEY MAY GET INTO WHEREVER THEY NEED TO BE IN THE AFTERLIFE. BUT ULTIMATELY THIS REPRESENTATION OR MEMORIALIZATION IS FOR THOSE WHO ARE LEFT HERE. YOU'RE HEARING ALL OF THESE STORIES AND SOMETIMES THEY JUST HIT REALLY CLOSE TO HOME. YOU'RE RIGHT THERE WITH THEM IN THAT MOMENT. IT'S HARD TO ESCAPE THAT.
Yeah, I'm sure especially when you're getting to know these people as well as you're talking about, that must be very difficult.
Sure. It can be. Sometimes you learn things that maybe you don't need to know, but that's okay. You just kinda let it happen.
Does that happen often?
I don't know that I would say often. But it is very interesting the amount of information that people will offer up readily without even being asked. I think a lot of it is their grief. They're just kind of all over the place. It's the lack of sleep on top of the grief. They are just ready to spew things. You kind of take them in stride and sometimes there's just nothing to do but sit there and listen, you know? You're learning a lot about people that they probably don't know they're telling you.
Okay don't tell us what, but are you talking about medical history stuff? Personal baby stories? What are they telling you?
Just everything. Everything. I think part of it is that when we're in this sort of state our brain just goes a little crazy. I don't mean crazy in a bad way, but everything just floods with memories and they start telling you one thing. Maybe about something that their husband used to do and then all of a sudden we're talking about something that they did at a medical appointment. It's odd. You just have to take it and go with it. This is where we are and we're just going to keep moving. It is what it is.
I imagine you must be kind of a 'people person' to deal with all of that.
I think in some ways you have to be. Just because, on the flip side of things, not everybody is in the stage of their grief where they're wanting to talk to you.
SOMETIMES WE GET TO BE, AS FUNERAL DIRECTORS, KIND OF THE BEATING HORSE. THEY'RE ANGRY IN INSTANCES WHERE MAYBE THEY WEREN'T EXPECTING THE PASSING OR IT WAS TRAGIC OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. THEY'RE ANGRY AND THEY HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE ANGRY.
Sometimes that gets taken out on us and we just have to compartmentalize that and move forward and understand it's not them. It's just what they're dealing with. It's a wide variety of what you could have walking in the door at any moment. You never know.
I'm sure with such an emotionally charged job you do get a lot of deflection from things that are going to have nothing to do with you. So have you had to spend a lot of time developing a thicker skin or some coping mechanisms to deal with that?
I guess in a way, yes. Because like I said, I am very sensitive. But in however many years I've been licensed, I have learned that you can't take everything personally. Sometimes things come out in a way that they didn't even mean to say it in the way that they did. You just have to be able to look past that and move forward and continue with what you're doing. Because nine times out of 10, almost 10 times out of 10, they're going to come back months later or weeks later. We send out thank you cards and we send out surveys to see how we're doing and they're so thankful for the service that we've given them. So we know that we're doing the right thing. In that moment they weren't angry with us. They were just angry at the situation. You just kind of have to accept that for what it is.
Yeah. Just understanding that it's not personal.
Right. Even though it's very personal, it's not personal.
Growing up in a multigenerational group of people who deal with this, did you develop a different understanding of death as a kid?
I will say definitely. Yes. Death still affects me. It still affects my family greatly. But being in the profession that we're in, I think we all grieve a little differently. Being able to carry out a service for a loved one that we've lost, or someone that was close to us kind of helps to give us closure. Because the reverence and the dignity that we're offering helps put us at ease. I will tell you this story, and maybe it's kind of strange. But when I was in kindergarten I went to school for a half day. Both of my parents are funeral directors, so they were always at the funeral home. The bus would bring me to the funeral home after school and I would go there and I had this little play desk that I would play and color and have snacks at. Eventually it got to the point where my dad would be getting bodies ready and I was never allowed in the prep room because that's not okay- kids cannot be in the prep room. But once they were fully clothed and he was doing cosmetics and hair and things like that, he would sit me up on this barstool and I would tell him 'Oh, I think you should paint her nails this color' or whatever. It was kinda like a My Girl situation. If you've seen the movie.
IT WASN'T UNTIL I WENT TO LIKE FIRST GRADE THAT I REALIZED NOT EVERYONE IS GOING HOME AND SEEING PEOPLE THAT ARE DECEASED AND WORKING ON THEIR COSMETICS OR THEIR NAILS.
That was a very interesting moment for me when I realized this isn't necessarily abnormal, but it's not normal across the board. You know what I mean? From a very young age, I think I had a reverence for the dead. I think it definitely affected me that way. That was a strange happening for me in first grade when I realized I was the only one.
I'm sure an early start can only help you emotionally in your line of work.
Sure, absolutely. Absolutely.
My name is Sarah Mihovk. I am a licensed funeral director and embalmer in the state of Ohio. I have been asked to be a part of this project talking about community engagement and my profession.
Yeah. So tell us what your profession is.
I work with the public, planning funeral services or even preparing bodies for funeral services, things like that.
Has that changed at all with the times of COVID-19?
Yes, drastically. We used to be able to work freely as far as having gatherings or visitations, funeral services, things like that. We could invite the public to be a part of that and sympathize and comfort those who are bereaved. Whereas now things have changed, even down to the line of how we're meeting with families.
I'M ONLY ABLE TO MEET WITH TWO PEOPLE AT A TIME TO MAKE FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS OR EVEN WHEN WE'RE TALKING ABOUT SERVICES. AS OF RIGHT NOW WITH THE CDC GUIDELINES, WE ARE ONLY ALLOWED TO HAVE GATHERINGS OF ABOUT 10 PEOPLE OR LESS. SO IT'S REALLY CUT DOWN ON THE AMOUNT OF SUPPORT AND OPENNESS WITH THE PUBLIC ABOUT THE PASSING THAT WE'RE ABLE TO OFFER. I THINK IT'S DEFINITELY CHANGED THE WAY PEOPLE ARE NOT ONLY HAVING SERVICES AND ALSO GRIEVING THE LOSS OF THEIR LOVED ONE.
So before all this happened, let's say in the world before this pandemic hit us, what did your effect on your community look like?
Mostly as far as a funeral home goes, we tend to create a safe space for people to not only openly grieve the loss of a loved one, but to accept sympathy from others who might attend visitations or things like that. So it really brought people together physically to work through that, begin their grief journey, things like that. But now, with the limits on who can be where and how many people can be there, things have kind of taken a turn where it's almost like support or grieving at a distance.
What does grieving at a distance look like? Have you guys implemented any live streaming for your services?
Yep. We've done a couple of different things. Most recently I did work with a family who had a loved one pass away out of state actually. There were still family members here in Ohio who typically would've come to the funeral home for service or visitation to spend time with their loved one, just spend time with their body there. But instead what we ended up doing was a Zoom meeting, much like we're doing now.
WE HELD ABOUT AN HOUR LONG VISITATION WHERE WE SHARED THE LINK ON THE WEBSITE OBITUARY WHERE PEOPLE COULD ATTEND AND STILL INTERACT WITH EACH OTHER. ALTHOUGH THEY WEREN'T IN THE SAME SPACE I THINK IT WORKED WELL. BUT WHAT'S UNFORTUNATE IS THERE'S REALLY SOMETHING TO BE SAID FOR BEING PHYSICALLY IN THE SAME ROOM AS SOMEBODY, BEING ABLE TO JUST REACH OUT AND TOUCH SOMEBODY. YOU DON'T ALWAYS HAVE THE WORDS. SOMETIMES THERE AREN'T ANY WORDS. JUST PHYSICALLY BEING THERE MEANS A LOT TO PEOPLE AND BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO REALLY WORK WITH THAT. I THINK IT'S REALLY CHANGED THE WAY PEOPLE ARE GOING ABOUT GRIEVING.
But also even beyond just Zoom meetings, we've done some services where we've had only 10 people in the building, but we've recorded services and we've uploaded them to our website so that people could view them privately from their home. But once again they're not really participating. They're just watching the playback. It's really different from being in the moment to just seeing something happen. It kind of makes that finality different because you're not experiencing it with your own eyes or your senses.
I would love to hear more about that. What is the importance or the significance of being there in the room with your deceased loved one and being able to have that experience?
Well, I think first and foremost it helps with understanding the finality. As humans, we're kind of skeptics in a way. We can hear about something and we might not necessarily process or believe it until we see it. So being present with the body gives you that final moment of closure. It's not the last moment of closure because the grief process takes a while to get through. Everyone is different. But at least for that moment, you can say that you were there, you were able to see your loved one, and you know that they're no longer living. You can kind of move forward with that process, whereas when you're just experiencing it over a phone or an iPad- sure, it's real, but you're not experiencing it firsthand. You're not experiencing any sort of support like you would from others who might be gathered there in first person. So it's just kind of strange.
Definitely. And since now you have a restriction on the number of people that can be in a room, do you know how that decision gets made? How do they pick the 10 or however many people are allowed in?
Honestly I don't know. And that's probably one of the things that I struggle with as a funeral director. Because I'm not being forced to make those decisions, but I can only imagine how that would feel or a family actually going through this process. A lot of times they're keeping it to the immediate family. But especially in Cincinnati- I work on both the West and East side of town- there's a lot of us who have very large families or very different families where there's blending and joints and things like that. How do you decide who gets to come see mom or dad or whoever it was? I don't know how they're making those decisions. Honestly, I struggle with that. I know that it's hard because how do you decide who gets to be there? I don't know. I really don't.
I'm sure that's an incredibly difficult decision to make. Can I ask you how you got into this line of business in the first place?
Sure. I'm a fifth generation, which means I come from a long line of directors and embalmers. Growing up it was something that I always avoided. Both of my parents are funeral directors to this day. I still work with them regularly. Ultimately first and foremost as funeral directors, we're public servants and we're always there to serve our community. When I was younger there were a few things that families miss out on because you're busy serving another family who has lost somebody. I never really wanted to put my own family through that. I kind of wanted to have a normal nine to five job where I could come home and be with my family and work was work and home was home. I actually went to school and I have a bachelor's of science from Xavier, where I studied psychology.
WHEN I GRADUATED I THOUGHT MAYBE I WOULD GO ON TO STUDY A LITTLE BIT FURTHER SOMETHING IN THE PSYCHOLOGY FIELD. BUT AS I WAS MAKING THAT DECISION, I WAS PRESENTED THE QUESTION BY A FRIEND AND COLLEAGUE OF MY DAD'S. HE SAID, 'WELL, WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT TO DO?' AND I SAID, 'WELL, I JUST WANT TO HELP PEOPLE. THAT'S ULTIMATELY WHAT I WANT TO DO, HOWEVER IT IS. I WANT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN SOMEBODY'S LIFE'. AND HE SAID, 'WHAT DO YOU THINK FUNERAL SERVICE IS?'
So I had this huge brain explosion. I realized that's exactly what funeral service is. So I went back to school and I went to Cincinnati College of Mortuary Science. I got my degree there and then was licensed the following year. I have been licensed since 2015. I will say that I enjoy very much what I do and I love my job and I never thought that this would be it for me. But been very satisfying to know that I can help people through that time.
Do you think you would ever want to do something else?
You know, every once in a while the thought pops in my mind. I don't know that I would want to do something else. It's almost like maybe I would want to do something in addition to it. Because they really do enjoy my work. I love my work. I see firsthand, helping people through this process, how important that is. But sometimes I feel like could I do more. You know what I mean?
Yeah, definitely. That makes sense. You said that you wanted to pursue a nine to five job when you were figuring out what you wanted to do. But since you are the director of this funeral home, are you pretty much just on call 24/7?
Well, yes and no. As far as on-call scheduling works, ultimately we are available 24 hours a day. Somebody answers the phone at the funeral home 24 hours a day. It might not be us in the office. We do have an answering service, but they are connected to our cell phones and they'll get ahold of us promptly. But as far as our directors, we have several different directors and embalmers in our company. We all kind of take turns, but we try to have every third weekend off of the month. Once a month you have a weekend off. It can be a struggle- always being available. But with the kind of business that we are in, people always have questions. We want to be able to answer those as promptly as possible.
I imagine you're one of the first calls for a lot of people when they lose their loved ones. So what is that experience like when you do have to be that first line of a huge change in someone's life?
It kinda depends. When a death first occurs, sometimes it is the family that's calling. Other times it is someone from a medical facility or a nursing facility. A lot of times a hospice. It just depends who is making that first call. If it is somebody that's in the medical field that's calling us, we take down the information and then call the family. Sometimes it's almost like that first call can be kind of clinical. You're just gathering some information and of course you're extending your condolences and wanting to let them know that you care. But there's certain information that you do need to gather in order to facilitate bringing their loved one into our care. Once we finally meet face to face it's more of an in depth 'let me get to know you' sort of thing. At first it's more just information gathering. Sometimes, if someone's been expecting the passing of a loved one, they're pretty non-emotional. They understand this is the first step in the process. But then once you meet with them in person, that's where all the emotions come into play.
How much emotional service do you typically offer a family personally? I've worked service jobs, we all know what it's like to interact with someone who's paying you money. But I think that there's this additional managing of a client that must have to occur with you.
Sure. Obviously, we are business. We are a small business. There's roughly nine or 10 employees total. But at the end of the day, bills have to be made and things like that. When you're working with a family, you're trying to ask the right questions in understanding who this person is who has died and how can we memorialize them in a way that's appropriate to them and their family. I think there's a lot of emotion in that. It takes a lot of delicate ways of framing things.
I'M TYPICALLY A REALLY SENSITIVE PERSON. MAYBE TO A FAULT. I'M THE PERSON IN THE BACK WHO CRIES AT STRANGERS' FUNERALS. I JUST THINK YOU GET KIND OF INVESTED IN THE FAMILIES THAT YOU SERVE.
That's why you continue to serve families. If you look at funeral service, when you're watching TV or you're listening to the radio, you're not really seeing ads or commercials for funeral homes. Because in a lot of ways it's a word of mouth thing. You're making these connections with families and you're listening to who they are. Sometime in the future, should you serve them again, you can look back and say, 'Oh, I remember this' and 'how is so and so?' Things like that. You're making these personal relationships. You get pretty involved in people's lives. Grief does strange things to people and you never really know what you're going to get. But a lot of times they probably tell you a lot more than they would just tell any stranger on the street. You kinda get invested in their lives in that way.
Yeah, that makes sense. I dunno if you've had to deal with any victims of the pandemic, but do you find that in this serious time in our lives, people are more on the expectant and less emotional side?
We have not necessarily had any confirmed COVID-19 deaths yet. There has been a few suspected cases. I don't know that we're quite there yet to seeing that path. Although, it's hard to say. Especially because we're still taking people who have passed in nursing homes and group living spaces. So you never really know. A lot of times we're still hearing from hospices and things like that. I don't know that we've necessarily hit that point yet where we are serving mainly COVID-19 patients.
Got you. I was kind of surprised to hear you say how connected you can get to some of these and that you're back there crying at a stranger's funeral. How do you make that work with your job?
I don't know. It's kind of strange. It's weird. I mean, I'll be honest with you, I am a very sensitive person. My husband will make fun of me. I have cried at a Whirlpool commercial. I don't know. I'm just very sensitive and I think that kind of ties into why I chose psychology as my major going into college. Because I've just always felt very in tune with people. Not to say I'm the only one who experiences this. It's emotional when you're listening to a funeral service and you've worked with this family up until this point. Because when you think about it, a funeral director wears a lot of hats. We can kind of become event planners. We're planning this huge event in a matter of three to four days time. You only get one chance at a funeral. So we're very detail oriented and making sure everything is going right. We're listening to the family as they're wanting things to proceed. You kind of get to know them. Then people start eulogizing and just telling stories about this life.
FUNERALS ARE FOR THE LIVING. THEY'RE NOT NECESSARILY FOR THE DEAD AS MAYBE THEY ONCE WERE. THERE'S STILL A LOT OF CULTURAL AND RELIGIOUS BACKGROUNDS WHERE WE'RE PRAYING FOR THE DEAD THAT THEY MAY GET INTO WHEREVER THEY NEED TO BE IN THE AFTERLIFE. BUT ULTIMATELY THIS REPRESENTATION OR MEMORIALIZATION IS FOR THOSE WHO ARE LEFT HERE. YOU'RE HEARING ALL OF THESE STORIES AND SOMETIMES THEY JUST HIT REALLY CLOSE TO HOME. YOU'RE RIGHT THERE WITH THEM IN THAT MOMENT. IT'S HARD TO ESCAPE THAT.
Yeah, I'm sure especially when you're getting to know these people as well as you're talking about, that must be very difficult.
Sure. It can be. Sometimes you learn things that maybe you don't need to know, but that's okay. You just kinda let it happen.
Does that happen often?
I don't know that I would say often. But it is very interesting the amount of information that people will offer up readily without even being asked. I think a lot of it is their grief. They're just kind of all over the place. It's the lack of sleep on top of the grief. They are just ready to spew things. You kind of take them in stride and sometimes there's just nothing to do but sit there and listen, you know? You're learning a lot about people that they probably don't know they're telling you.
Okay don't tell us what, but are you talking about medical history stuff? Personal baby stories? What are they telling you?
Just everything. Everything. I think part of it is that when we're in this sort of state our brain just goes a little crazy. I don't mean crazy in a bad way, but everything just floods with memories and they start telling you one thing. Maybe about something that their husband used to do and then all of a sudden we're talking about something that they did at a medical appointment. It's odd. You just have to take it and go with it. This is where we are and we're just going to keep moving. It is what it is.
I imagine you must be kind of a 'people person' to deal with all of that.
I think in some ways you have to be. Just because, on the flip side of things, not everybody is in the stage of their grief where they're wanting to talk to you.
SOMETIMES WE GET TO BE, AS FUNERAL DIRECTORS, KIND OF THE BEATING HORSE. THEY'RE ANGRY IN INSTANCES WHERE MAYBE THEY WEREN'T EXPECTING THE PASSING OR IT WAS TRAGIC OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. THEY'RE ANGRY AND THEY HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE ANGRY.
Sometimes that gets taken out on us and we just have to compartmentalize that and move forward and understand it's not them. It's just what they're dealing with. It's a wide variety of what you could have walking in the door at any moment. You never know.
I'm sure with such an emotionally charged job you do get a lot of deflection from things that are going to have nothing to do with you. So have you had to spend a lot of time developing a thicker skin or some coping mechanisms to deal with that?
I guess in a way, yes. Because like I said, I am very sensitive. But in however many years I've been licensed, I have learned that you can't take everything personally. Sometimes things come out in a way that they didn't even mean to say it in the way that they did. You just have to be able to look past that and move forward and continue with what you're doing. Because nine times out of 10, almost 10 times out of 10, they're going to come back months later or weeks later. We send out thank you cards and we send out surveys to see how we're doing and they're so thankful for the service that we've given them. So we know that we're doing the right thing. In that moment they weren't angry with us. They were just angry at the situation. You just kind of have to accept that for what it is.
Yeah. Just understanding that it's not personal.
Right. Even though it's very personal, it's not personal.
Growing up in a multigenerational group of people who deal with this, did you develop a different understanding of death as a kid?
I will say definitely. Yes. Death still affects me. It still affects my family greatly. But being in the profession that we're in, I think we all grieve a little differently. Being able to carry out a service for a loved one that we've lost, or someone that was close to us kind of helps to give us closure. Because the reverence and the dignity that we're offering helps put us at ease. I will tell you this story, and maybe it's kind of strange. But when I was in kindergarten I went to school for a half day. Both of my parents are funeral directors, so they were always at the funeral home. The bus would bring me to the funeral home after school and I would go there and I had this little play desk that I would play and color and have snacks at. Eventually it got to the point where my dad would be getting bodies ready and I was never allowed in the prep room because that's not okay- kids cannot be in the prep room. But once they were fully clothed and he was doing cosmetics and hair and things like that, he would sit me up on this barstool and I would tell him 'Oh, I think you should paint her nails this color' or whatever. It was kinda like a My Girl situation. If you've seen the movie.
IT WASN'T UNTIL I WENT TO LIKE FIRST GRADE THAT I REALIZED NOT EVERYONE IS GOING HOME AND SEEING PEOPLE THAT ARE DECEASED AND WORKING ON THEIR COSMETICS OR THEIR NAILS.
That was a very interesting moment for me when I realized this isn't necessarily abnormal, but it's not normal across the board. You know what I mean? From a very young age, I think I had a reverence for the dead. I think it definitely affected me that way. That was a strange happening for me in first grade when I realized I was the only one.
I'm sure an early start can only help you emotionally in your line of work.
Sure, absolutely. Absolutely.